Beast of Bodmin 'Not a Big Cat'

The giant cat spotted in Cornwall and branded The Beast of Bodmin has turned out not to be a cat at all.

 There had been frequent sightings of the "beast" in the area, usually by people on their way home from the pub.

 A typical witness was Dingwall Penberthy, 45,  who in 2011 told the now defunct News of the World, "I left the Muckspreader's Tavern at 1.30am after a lock-in* and was making my way home along the country roads.

"We had been celebrating Government plans to scrap free school milk for the under-fives amid fears it would remind voters of the 'Thatcher, Milk Snatcher' episode of Edward Heath's 1970–1974 government. So that was a relief to one and all. But I wouldn't say I was blotto, as such. I could still walk - in a fashion.

"I was just coming up Old Jasper's Cow Hill when I spotted this huge beast out of the corner of my eye. It was in the field lumbering along  the far hedge. I couldn't see it clearly owing to having dropped on all fours myself after trying to negotiate a tricky pothole but I'm sure it was that there big cat everyone's been talking about."

 Despite copious witness testimonies like that of Dingwall Penberthy, it has been discovered that the notorious Beast was in fact several different people who had absconded from the nearby health farm on a mission to find burger and chips, cream buns, rum truffles or a nice dopiaza curry in the local shops and takeaways.

After consuming their ill-gotten comestibles they waited for cover of nightfall to crawl as full as a tick back to the fat farm. Their round shape and black camouflage clothing had been mistaken by many people for a big cat.

Now that the health farm has upped its security, sightings of the beast have fallen significantly with only the occasional report of strange animals in the fields late at night.

 * For readers unfamiliar with country life, a lock-in is when a pub gets rid of all the tourists with their incessant questions about what to see and do, and constant inane comments about the pace of life, and allows the locals to drink in peace.

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