Devon Is Boring As Hell

When Ryan and Liz Smith moved to Devon from Bethnal Green in London, they were looking forward to escaping the rat race for a life of surfing, beach barbecues and trips to the moors.

But after six months in Glorious Devon, they are desperate to get back to the pollution, noise and rancid smells that typify much of this country's great capital.

"It was fine at first," said Ryan. "We wuz both working from 'ome and at the weekends we took off for the coast or the moors. Then the tourists came and the roads were clogged with hatchbacks full of red-faced parents and screaming kids. We could have flown to Ibiza in the time it took us to drive to Croyde. We ended up staying at 'ome,"

Liz takes up the story. "Apart from that it was very peaceful but there's only so much peace and quiet you can take when you're young. OK if we'd both been pushing our zimmer frames but we had been used to goin' up west to a club or to see a show."

Matters came to a head one Saturday. Liz explained: "The most exciting event in our village was the flower show and fete. I mean, how many times do you need to see potatoes arranged on a tray? Then Ryan ate a plate of competition strawberries and we were thrown out."

After being ejected from the village hall the couple crossed the road to the fete.

"Exciting?" said Ryan. "Nah, mate. The most exciting thing was a game called splat the rat where you had to wallop this toy rat with a baseball bat. I kept missing and then I lost it and pounded the fucking thing into the ground. We were thrown out of the fete too."

They said that as they would rather get twatted than splatted, they legged it to the pub to lick their wounds.

"Wiv a few people about drunk on rough cider, we wuz expecting a few blazing rows like we'd get in the Dog and Duck," said Ryan. "But no, all anyone could talk about wuz whether you put jam or cream first on a scone. I ask you, who gives a fuck? What's a scone?"

So now the couple have put their house back on the market and as soon as it's sold will be returning to London.

Liz said: "It's crazy. I found I was desperate to hear the effing and blinding of a road rage incident rather than the sound of bloody sheep baaing."

"Yeah, give me London any day," added Ryan.

NEXT POST: Coming Clean


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