The Government Killed My Friend's Hamster

Bradford woman Elise Sheepsarse is blaming the Government for the death of a hamster.

She said she had been looking after her friend Janet's pet, Abrahamster Lincoln, while Janet was on holiday.

Not long before taking charge of Abrahamster Lincoln, Elise had read that the UK’s intelligence agencies had significantly increased their use of large-scale data hacking. 

"I know it's supposed to be an anti-terrorism thing but you could accidentally incriminate yourself by using innocent phrases like 'it's gone down a bomb' when talking about a nice cake you'd made. Oh no, I've used the B word. Will I get arrested? Who's listening to me? Am I on a blacklist?"

She was so petrified that an innocent email will get a SWAT team kicking down her door that she started to use a kind of "code" whenever she wrote a text or used her computer or phone.

"I left a mobile phone message for Janet that 'ze pineapple iz under ze geranium bush. Collect eet when ze eels swim to Krakow.’ I thought the accent and the code would fool the security forces.

"Unfortunately, it fooled Janet too. She thought I was trying to be funny and didn't realise I'd tried to tell her I'd left Abrahamster Lincoln in her garden shed and she should collect him immediately. Poor little bugger was dead by the time she found him."

When asked why she didn't just tell Janet that she'd left the hamster in its cage in the garden shed, she replied: "For goodness sake. Don't you get it? Cage. Shed. Could mean I was holding a hostage. And hamster. That's got to be code for someone imprisoned against their will. Right?"

"Janet is no longer talking to me but it's a small price to pay for not being branded a terrorist. She's just collateral damage. Oh no, I said 'collateral damage'. Will the security forces pick up on it? Am I under surveillance? Who's that at the door?"

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