A student has resigned from his university Hipster
Society because he was "fed up with socialising with a load of pretentious
tossers".
Jeremiah Goatland-Smythe said he joined because he
loved vinyl records and craft beer.
"It was fine at first. We had long conversations
in pubs about where to buy locally brewed beer or Colombian coffee beans grown in
peasant collectives. But then it just got…," he shuddered, "really
pseudo.
"I know for a fact that Hugo's tank top he
claimed was woven from the pubic hair of indigenous Amazonians was made of
mohair and he'd bought it in TK Maxx. And Jessica's artisanal vegan cheese she
said she'd bought in a curated section of a little family-owned shop was really
Tesco cheddar that had gone hard in the fridge and developed white spots.
"And if I never hear the line 'I liked them
before they were cool' again it won't be a day too soon."
He said he was also completely fed up with drinking
cocktails with whacky names out of jam jars and eating "foraged"
herbs.
"They can say what they like, whether it is in a
jam jar or foraged, if it's crap, it's crap."
Jeremiah said many of his former friends no longer
spoke to him.
"I don't give a damn. As far as I'm concerned they can take their hemp jewellery, vintage cowboy boots and Jack Kerouac books and shove
them up their arse."
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