Thursday 24 October 2019

Student Slams Pretentious Tosser Hipsters



A student has resigned from his university Hipster Society because he was "fed up with socialising with a load of pretentious tossers".
Jeremiah Goatland-Smythe said he joined because he loved vinyl records and craft beer.
"It was fine at first. We had long conversations in pubs about where to buy locally brewed beer or Colombian coffee beans grown in peasant collectives. But then it just got…," he shuddered, "really pseudo.
"I know for a fact that Hugo's tank top he claimed was woven from the pubic hair of indigenous Amazonians was made of mohair and he'd bought it in TK Maxx. And Jessica's artisanal vegan cheese she said she'd bought in a curated section of a little family-owned shop was really Tesco cheddar that had gone hard in the fridge and developed white spots.
"And if I never hear the line 'I liked them before they were cool' again it won't be a day too soon."
He said he was also completely fed up with drinking cocktails with whacky names out of jam jars and eating "foraged" herbs.
"They can say what they like, whether it is in a jam jar or foraged, if it's crap, it's crap."
Jeremiah said many of his former friends no longer spoke to him.
"I don't give a damn. As far as I'm concerned they can take their hemp jewellery, vintage cowboy boots and Jack Kerouac books and shove them up their arse."

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