Friday, 13 September 2019

Shut it! You're Nicked



An officer says he wants to return to the policing style of the 1970s when coppers could do what they liked without interference from "do-gooders".

The 25-year-old policeman, who wants to remain anonymous to protect his job, said he had recently watched old reruns of The Sweeney on TV.

"It really opened my eyes to how effective the modern police force could be without the constraints of political correctness," he said.

"We should be able to walk up to anyone and shout 'I've got you bang to rights, mate!' without having to produce any proof whatsoever that he's done anything wrong.

"I want to turn over someone's gaffe without a search warrant and arrest someone and beat a confession out of them if we don't like their face."

He said using a taser had made policing slightly more satisfying but "namby pampy bleeding heart liberals" wanted slightly more provocation than "he looked at me funny".

Then  there was the "ridiculous" charge of sexism that he recently faced. "Just because I looked at this tasty sheila and told her I could be arrested for what I was thinking, I was up on a disciplinary. I know she was chairman of the magistrates but even so. We should be able to say what we like without being threatened with a #MeToo hashtag. These bints don't realise it's a compliment.

"That's another thing I love about The Sweeney, the endless shagging with anyone tasty under the age of 40. I was told that these days it's 'unethical', whatever that means."

The officer now fears his days are numbered. He has been warned that one more infringement will see him dismissed from the force.

"It's political correctness gone mad," he said.

Contact Via Email
Amazon's Best Kept Secret

Tuesday, 27 August 2019

Chav Cribs On Air



Satellite TV channel ChavCribs is about to broadcast a new series called Let's Escape The Country to help rural families move to civilisation.

The first programme features Somerset couple Marlon, 21, and Bathsheba Beech, 19, and their six children.

Marlon said he wanted to get away from his job as a farmworker and find work in a factory.  "I'm tired of  getting up at dawn to wade about in cow shit and tractor oil and then coming home to a meal of mainly vegetables because the nearest Maccy D is 30 miles away."

Bathsheba, 19, said she was "fed up of" seeing nothing but green. "All that grass and stuff is doing my 'ead in. I want ter walk on proper pavements beside proper roads with white lines down the middle, not weeds."

"The programme begins with a voiceover saying, "Meet Marlon, Bathsheba and their kids Gabe, Habe, Rabe, Buffy, Dibble and Grub. Here's the shithole they live in now [pans over a thatched cottage with roses round the door]. No wonder they want to [cue dramatic music] ESCAPE FROM THE COUNTRY."
.
The first house they were shown was a rental property on a sink estate in Middlesbrough. They especially liked the good solid walls to attach their Sky dish to but were unhappy with the garden.

"It's got a patch of grass. We prefer all concrete, " said Bathsheba.

The next was a flat above a fish and chip shop in Darlington.

Marlon said he loved the smell of  diesel fumes and the waft of fish and chips but wasn't so keen on the smell of gravy which "northern people put on their chip suppers".

"It reminds me too much of my mum's roast beef, roast potatoes and yorkshire pudding Sunday dinners. Disgusting. "

But the couple fell in love with the top floor flat in a condemned tenement.

"You don't get more urban than this," said a delighted Bathsheba. "The lifts smell of piss, not that any were working when we visited, and there are syringes all over the lobby. Our flat has graffiti on all the walls so we don't even have to decorate. It's been done for us.

"There's a great school nearby which is on special measures. Special! Imagine that! And Marlon doesn't have to work because all the factories have been closed down.

"It's definitely our ideal home."

NEXT POST: Shut it! You're nicked 

Contact Via Email
Fake News Flash


Amazon's best kept secret
  

Friday, 23 August 2019

Man Starts 'Camping Sucks' Petition



A camping trip turned out to be so disastrous for Bill Mersean that he's now started a petition called Camping Sucks to have sleeping under canvas banned. After one week 7,876 people have already signed.

Bill, 47, from Newcastle, said, "That goes to show how many of us are pissed off with the whole camping experience. Sleeping in tents when there are perfectly good hotels and guest houses is absolutely stupid."

He had taken his wife Susie, 45, and two daughters Chloe, 14, and Stephanie, 12, to a site deep in the North Wales countryside for what he hoped would be a relaxing and fun break. 

The problems started before the family had even left Newcastle. 

"There was just so much we had to take," he said. "Stuff was piled so high on the roof rack that before we got to the motorway we were stopped by police who said it was dangerous. So that meant we had to unload half of it and I left Susie guarding the essentials while I drove off home again to take back the inessentials.

"When you realise the 'inessentials' included a lantern, four chairs and a camping table you can see what a mess we were in."

Undaunted, they carried on with their journey finally arriving at the campsite just as it was getting dark. 

"It took me two hours to pitch the tent. I could hardly see a hand in front me as we had left the lantern at home. I hit my finger with a hammer, sprained my ankle tripping over a guy rope and partially impaled my leg on a tent peg," he said.

The family was so tired that they slept late. By the time they got up, the showers were in a less than perfect condition.

"It was like trying to get clean in a mudhole on the Serengeti after elephants, rhinos and wildebeest had used it," said Bill. "The loos were absolutely disgusting. We all sloped off to the nearby woods to do our business.

"The kids moaned the whole time because there was no wi-fi and nothing to do for miles. They couldn't sleep because they were afraid of snakes and spiders.

"We were just about coping and had one nice barbecue before the rains came. Then everything was like a mudhole after a monsoon. We were literally ankle-deep in the stuff," said Bill.

"Then we all got food poisoning because the barbecue burgers weren't cooked through properly. Honestly, it was the longest two days of my life."

NEXT POST: Chav cribs on air


Amazon's best kept secret

  


Contact Via Email

Tuesday, 20 August 2019

Office Manager Runs Idea Up Flagpole


A corporate office manager is receiving therapy in an attempt to cure him of talking in clichés.

George Smith, who works in the City of London, wants to prevent an office walk-out by co-workers who are tired of hearing the same old homilies day after day.

One, Marilina Morganstern, said, "If hear him say 'there's no I in team' one more time I won't be responsible for my actions. He threatened to give me an official verbal warning for responding, 'no, but there is a U in fuckwit' so I'm glad he's getting some help."

George has acknowledged that he needs to tone down his cliché-ridden conversation.

"I received so many complaints from my colleagues that I had to think outside of the box and came up with the idea of therapy going forward. I intend to give it 110 per cent.

"It's definitely a value-added proposition and I feel I am in a win-win situation. I intend to bring my A game to the sessions. Therapy has benefited so many people that it's not as if I'm reinventing the wheel."

Marilina was supportive. "He's not a bad person by any means, just very, very annoying. To be fair, life has handed him some lemons and now he intends to make lemonade out of them… what the f**k did I just say? You see, it's catching. The quicker he gets that therapy the better."

George is glad he made the decision to seek help. "I ran the idea up the flagpole to see who saluted it and the whole team was on-board," he said. "I know I mustn't assume it will work, because to assume makes an ASS out of U and ME, but I'm going to push the envelope, bring it to the table, hit the ground running and maximise leverage.

"It's not rocket science. It's all good." 

The final word went to colleague Pete , "If he keeps on about running ideas up flagpoles, I shall stick a flagpole up his ass."

NEXT POST: Man starts "camping sucks" petition

Contact Via Email

Amazon's best kept secret
 

Tuesday, 13 August 2019

Holy Shit!



It's bad enough being married to a Batman freak but when he wakes up in the morning and can't stop talking like the caped crusader it's enough to make you run to the Batmobile and take off in the opposite direction of Gotham City.

So spare a thought for Melinda Brassavillia whose husband Marco went to bed after watching  the complete boxset of the old television series  and awoke unable to stop channelling the superhero.

Marco said, "I've always been a fan of Batman but, oh my stars and garters, I never dreamt I would end up talking like him. Holy catastrophe!"

Melinda is at her wit's end. "It's been going on for weeks now and it's driving me bonkers. It was bad enough that he insisted on calling our son and daughter Bruce and Robyn but this Batman lingo is a step too far." The embarrassed teenage children have moved out to live with relatives.  "I want my family back together," said Melinda.

"I can't understand what's going on," said Marco. "I went to bed as normal but when I got up, zoinks!, I was talking like Batman and couldn't stop. Great Caesar’s ghost, it's not as if I'm doing it on purpose."

Melinda said she was too ashamed to go out with her husband to which he replied, "Stand up Shame! You’re not worthy of the name Shame, you’re a sham Shame! Don’t ever cry on my tights or pull my leg again.”

"This is what it's like all the time," she sighed.

Despite his affliction Marco has returned to work as an office cleaner and was gathering some tools as he was being interviewed. "The true grimefighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt," he said.

"He's got to stop this or I won't be responsible for my actions," said Melinda. "Last night I nearly smothered him in his sleep."

Marco's response was to tell her, "Shazam, you'd be arrested quicker than you could say 'by the hoary hosts of Hoggoth.'”.

As he left for work, Melinda muttered, "Holy buggery bollocks! I can't take much more of this."




NEXT POST: Office manager runs idea up flagpole

Contact Via Email

Tuesday, 6 August 2019

Bingo Caller Lost His Clickety Click




A bingo caller in the North of England has been sacked for his "inappropriate" bingo lingo.

Brian Stompeller was given his marching orders by the Seven Is Heaven bingo hall after complaints from customers.

One was Doreen Mitch, 55, who said, "I couldn't believe my ears at some of the things he was saying."

She added: "I was offended at 88, which is usually referred to as two fat ladies. My friend Doris was sitting beside me and we are both rather ample. He called out 'big fat sandwich in bed 88' and winked at us, saying, 'How about it, ladies?'

 "Admittedly, some people thought it was funny but I just thought it was crude and disgusting and not suitable for a family venue.

"Doris left after the bingo night with another lady, Kathleen, who is also rather large. I didn't see  her for a couple of days and when I did, she couldn't stop smiling and she and Kathleen kept winking at each other. I didn't have a clue what was going on."

She said Favourite of Mine 69 was altered to Come Round To Mine For 69 while he licked his lips and stared at one woman's cleavage.

"As for number 66, I'd rather not say but it began, 'Clickety-click, suck my....' Need I say more?

"Thee and Me 23 became Let's Make It We Three 23 and then he shouted, 'Any offers, girls?'

"It was all so smutty but some women put their hands up and shouted, 'Me, me.' I don't know what the world is coming to," said Doreen.

It appears Seven Is Heaven is having a change of heart about Brian's sacking. Since he has left, attendance has fallen drastically and they are desperate to get him back.

But Brian said he had had several job offers and he was still "weighing up his options".

"It's not the money that's important," he said. "I need to make sure I can clickety click with the ladies and rise and shine to find several gateways to heaven to keep this man alive."

NEXT POST: Holy Shit! Man wakes up talking like Batman

Contact Via Email
Fake News Flash

Tuesday, 16 July 2019

Beast of Bodmin 'Not a Big Cat'



The giant cat spotted in Cornwall and branded The Beast of Bodmin has turned out not to be a cat at all.

 There had been frequent sightings of the "beast" in the area, usually by people on their way home from the pub.

 A typical witness was Dingwall Penberthy, 45,  who in 2011 told the now defunct News of the World, "I left the Muckspreader's Tavern at 1.30am after a lock-in* and was making my way home along the country roads.

"We had been celebrating Government plans to scrap free school milk for the under-fives amid fears it would remind voters of the 'Thatcher, Milk Snatcher' episode of Edward Heath's 1970–1974 government. So that was a relief to one and all. But I wouldn't say I was blotto, as such. I could still walk - in a fashion.

"I was just coming up Old Jasper's Cow Hill when I spotted this huge beast out of the corner of my eye. It was in the field lumbering along  the far hedge. I couldn't see it clearly owing to having dropped on all fours myself after trying to negotiate a tricky pothole but I'm sure it was that there big cat everyone's been talking about."

 Despite copious witness testimonies like that of Dingwall Penberthy, it has been discovered that the notorious Beast was in fact several different people who had absconded from the nearby health farm on a mission to find burger and chips, cream buns, rum truffles or a nice dopiaza curry in the local shops and takeaways.

After consuming their ill-gotten comestibles they waited for cover of nightfall to crawl as full as a tick back to the fat farm. Their round shape and black camouflage clothing had been mistaken by many people for a big cat.

Now that the health farm has upped its security, sightings of the beast have fallen significantly with only the occasional report of strange animals in the fields late at night.

 * For readers unfamiliar with country life, a lock-in is when a pub gets rid of all the tourists with their incessant questions about what to see and do, and constant inane comments about the pace of life, and allows the locals to drink in peace.


Contact Via Email
Fake News Flash

Monday, 15 July 2019

Woman Punches Man Who Told Her To Cheer Up



A Grimsby woman has been given an official police warning after punching a man who told her, "Cheer up, love, it may never happen!"

A penitent Norah Longshanks, 36, said she was trudging home in the pouring rain, a heavy bag of shopping in either hand when she met the man on the pavement.

"I might not have reacted so badly if I hadn't just met my neighbour who told me, 'Turn that frown upside down,'" she said.

She was already in a bad mood before she set out to do her shopping, after her husband had forgotten to take the dog for a walk and he had shit in the house.

"The dog, that is, not my husband," she clarified.

Then in the supermarket she met an acquaintance. "She is always so chipper it drives you mad. She subjected me to a long spiel about living each day as if it's your last.

"If I thought it was going to be my last day  I'd stay in bed with a bottle of whiskey, ordering takeaways and watching TV. It's patently obvious you couldn't do that every day without going bankrupt, ballooning to the size of a house and becoming an alcoholic."

As they parted the woman called back, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

"'Really?' I called after her. 'What about a persistent vegetative state?' but she had  disappeared into the frozen food aisle and didn't hear me."

Norah said she was sorry that everything boiled over and she punched the man, who was not badly hurt.

"But it was the straw that broke the camel's back," she said.

NEXT POST: Beast of Bodmin 'not a big cat'

Contact Via Email
Fake News Flash

Saturday, 13 July 2019

Grandmother Dumps Kids Back Home



An Essex grandmother has been ostracised by her daughter after dumping her grandchildren back at their home one hour after taking them away on holiday.

Marian Chestermundley, 63, had agreed to take her two grandchildren Ryan, 12, and Chelsea, 10, for a week at a Southend holiday park so her daughter could have some "me time" during the school holidays. She picked them up at 10am but by 11am they were back home again.

Her daughter Tamsin, 39, said, "I was relaxing in the nail bar when I got a phone call from my mother saying I had to come home immediately. I dashed out thinking there had been some kind of accident but when I got home there was my mother pacing up and down outside her car with Ryan and Chelsea sobbing inside.

"She shouted at me, 'Take the little buggers, I can't stand any more.'

"It was absolutely horrendous, Look," she said, holding up her hands, "They'd only done seven of my ten nails. How can I go out clubbing looking like this?"

Marian told Fake News Flash she was sorry she had upset her daughter and grandchildren but there was no way she was driving them any distance again.

She said Ryan and Chelsea started arguing the second they got to the car, first about who was going to ride in front. That started 10 minutes of tears and tantrums before she made them both sit in the back.

"They argued over the snacks I had taken and then Chelsea complained Ryan had 'touched' her which started another row.  They had a row because Ryan said Chelsea had looked at him funny.

"Honestly, it was doing my head in."

She said she tried to take their mind off the journey by suggesting they sit and play with their gadgets and toys. They had activity books, smartphones so they could text their friends to see if they were being similarly tortured and an iPad each filled with music, games and films.

"Why they couldn't settle down and keep themselves occupied I don't know," said Marian.

"By the time we'd driven five miles my head was banging. They were shouting and screaming constantly but the straw that broke the camel's back was when they started squirting Fruit Shoot at each other. I mean, only the day before I'd spent a tenner on getting the car cleaned by some East Europeans in Sainsbury's car park.

"I'd had enough and turned the car around."

After leaving the children with their mother, Marian set off for the week's holiday on her own, muttering, "Tamsin's not the only one who wants some 'me time.'"

Tamsin said: "I'm not talking to my mother and it will stay that way until I want her to babysit again, probably on Saturday."

NEXT POST:  Woman punches man who told her to cheer up

Contact Via Email
Fake News Flash






Friday, 12 July 2019

Woman Sets Up Blog But Can't Think Of Anything To Write



A Scunthorpe woman who created a blog after thinking of a "killer" title has yet to post anything six months later.

The woman, who wishes to remain anonymous so no one knows what a brain dead numpty she is, told Fake News Flash: "I thought of this killer name for a blog and rushed to set it up. Unfortunately I haven't been able to think of a damn thing to write since then.

"I told my boyfriend I had set up a blog and he said, 'Why? You've got nothing to say and even if you did you're a crap writer.' Unfortunately he has been proved right."

She refused to say what the "killer title" was "in case someone who can actually write" steals it.

She is now considering plagiarising another woman's blog.

"This woman's got verbal diarrhea and posts something two or three times a day. I don't think she'll even notice if I copy something she wrote in 2012, especially if I change it around a bit.

"It'll be fine, especially at first as I doubt anyone much will read my blog, except for my mum who might glance at it if I send her a link."

The woman has now gone away to steal some posts and trawl the internet for copyrighted pictures to use without paying for them.

NEXT POST: Grandmother dumps 'rowing little shits' back home

Contact Via Email
Fake News Flash

Wednesday, 10 July 2019

Coming Clean



A support group has been set up for people who are addicted to buying cleaning products but whose houses remain filthy.

Coming Clean is for those people who can't pass the household aisle in the supermarket without picking up yet another spray or cloth that promises to make your house sparkle with just a few squirts.

Celia (not her real name) is a member of the group. She said, "I am addicted to wipes. There are little squares of cleaning cloth impregnated with various kinds of fluid for just about every household task.

" I have wipes to polish tables, buff up stainless steel, clean the loo, get smears off worktops. clean shoes, polish leather upholstery, clean grouting, polish taps and clean windows. There are specific wipes for kitchens, bathrooms and bedrooms. Then there are those for the office to wipe computer screens and get crap out of the keyboard.

"You can't imagine how happy it used to make me feel to find a new variety. I remember when I discovered ceramic hob wipes, I was dancing in the aisle.

"But I realised I had a problem when I had so many packets of wipes I couldn't shut the cupboard door but my windows were still so disgusting you couldn't see through them."

Celia has been having counselling with Coming Clean and last week managed to open the stainless steel wipes and give a kettle a quick buff.

"I feel I'm making progress," she said.

Another member, let's call her Janice, said she managed to use some of her products but there were still hundreds lying unused in the closet.

"Don't get me wrong. My house isn't filthy - not like those dirty sods on the telly whose homes are so full of rubbish they can only see the top of Alexander Armstrong's head when he's on Pointless. But it's averagely clean at best.  With the number of cleaning things I have you'd think it would be sparkling.

"I wander up and down the supermarket aisles buying anything that looks like it might jump out of the can and clean the grease from the kitchen tiles without me lifting a finger. Let me tell you, no such a product exists. When you are told “one squirt and the dirt is gone”, don't believe it."

Mariella Deville, who set up Coming Clean in her house,  said, "I encourage members to bring along their cleaning products and after our meeting I urge them to actually use some of them.

"My house has never been cleaner."

NEXT POST: Woman sets up blog but can't think of anything to write

Contact Via Email
Fake News Flash


Devon Is Boring As Hell




When Ryan and Liz Smith moved to Devon from Bethnal Green in London, they were looking forward to escaping the rat race for a life of surfing, beach barbecues and trips to the moors.

But after six months in Glorious Devon, they are desperate to get back to the pollution, noise and rancid smells that typify much of this country's great capital.

"It was fine at first," said Ryan. "We wuz both working from 'ome and at the weekends we took off for the coast or the moors. Then the tourists came and the roads were clogged with hatchbacks full of red-faced parents and screaming kids. We could have flown to Ibiza in the time it took us to drive to Croyde. We ended up staying at 'ome,"

Liz takes up the story. "It was very peaceful but there's only so much peace and quiet you can take when you're young. OK if we'd both been pushing our zimmer frames but we had been used to goin' up west to a club or to see a show."

Matters came to a head one Saturday. Liz explained: "The most exciting event in our village was the flower show and fete. I mean, there are only so many potatoes arranged in tray that you can take. Then Ryan ate a plate of display strawberries and we were thrown out."

After being ejected from the village hall the couple crossed the road to the fete.


"Exciting?" said Ryan. "Nah, mate. The most exciting thing was a game called splat the rat where you had to wallop this toy rat with a baseball bat. I kept missing and then I lost it and pounded the fucking thing into the ground. We were thrown out of the fete too."

They said that as they would rather get twatted than splatted, they legged it to the pub to lick their wounds.

"Wiv a few people about drunk on rough cider, we wuz expecting a few blazing rows like we'd get in the Dog and Duck," said Ryan. "But no, all anyone could talk about wuz whether you put jam or cream first on a scone. I ask you, who gives a fuck? What's a scone anyway?"

So now the couple have put their house back on the market and as soon as it's sold will be returning to London.

Liz said: "It's crazy. I found I was desperate to hear the effing and blinding of a road rage incident rather than the sound of bloody sheep baaing."

"Yeah, give me London any day," added Ryan.

NEXT POST: Support group for people addicted to buying cleaning products

Contact Via Email
Fake News Flash