I Don't Want To Share A Room With A Farter

Pensioner Chester Charrington, 85, has come under fire for distributing a brochure telling senior citizens how to pick an old people's home.

Although this sounds like a helpful thing to do,  his local council called the leaflets ill-conceived and ridiculous.

Council spokesman Bryant Chiplock said, "Mr Charrington advises people to check staff qualifications which on the face of it seems like good advice. But he then goes on to say that just because they are dressed like nurses it doesn't mean they are  not serial killers or know how to use a rectal thermometer.

"All our staff are carefully vetted and trained."

Mr Charrington replied, "I think it's very important care staff know the difference between, for example, anaemia and enema. If they muddle the two up you could find yourself in a pretty pickle."

Mr Chiplock was also critical of Mr Charrington's advice to find a home near pubs, betting shops and undertakers.

"And then he goes on to tell people not to find a home in the countryside because there 'no one can hear you scream'. These comments are all less than helpful.

"He also warns people about activities like deep-sea diving, abseiling and going on the rollercoaster at the fair because, and I quote, this could just be a ploy to free up beds."

But Mr Charrington is unrepentant and is still handing out leaflets. He says it’s all sensible advice, like getting a single room and checking everything on offer.

"We old people have to be realistic. We want to spend the twilight of our years in tranquillity, not sharing rooms with farters and belchers or being pawed around by anyone whose former employment was in an abattoir or mud wrestling."

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