Chav Cribs On Air

Satellite TV channel ChavCribs is about to broadcast a new series called Let's Escape The Country to help rural families move to civilisation.

The first programme features Somerset couple Marlon, 21, and Bathsheba Beech, 19, and their six children.

Marlon said he wanted to get away from his job as a farmworker and find work in a factory.  "I'm tired of  getting up at dawn to wade about in cow shit and tractor oil and then coming home to a meal of mainly vegetables because the nearest Maccy D is 30 miles away."

Bathsheba, 19, said she was "fed up of" seeing nothing but green. "All that grass and stuff is doing my 'ead in. I want ter walk on proper pavements beside proper roads with white lines down the middle, not weeds."

"The programme begins with a voiceover saying, "Meet Marlon, Bathsheba and their kids Gabe, Habe, Rabe, Buffy, Dibble and Grub. Here's the shithole they live in now [pans over a thatched cottage with roses round the door]. No wonder they want to [cue dramatic music] ESCAPE FROM THE COUNTRY."

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The first house they were shown was a rental property on a sink estate in Middlesbrough. They especially liked the good solid walls to attach their Sky dish to but were unhappy with the garden.

"It's got a patch of grass. We prefer all concrete, " said Bathsheba.

The next was a flat above a fish and chip shop in Darlington.

Marlon said he loved the smell of  diesel fumes and the waft of fish and chips but wasn't so keen on the smell of gravy which "northern people put on their chip suppers".

"It reminds me too much of my mum's roast beef, roast potatoes and yorkshire pudding Sunday dinners. Disgusting. "

But the couple fell in love with the top floor flat in a condemned tenement.

"You don't get more urban than this," said a delighted Bathsheba. "The lifts smell of piss, not that any were working when we visited, and there are syringes all over the lobby. Our flat has graffiti on all the walls so we don't even have to decorate. It's been done for us.

"There's a great school nearby which is on special measures. Special! Imagine that! And Marlon doesn't have to work because all the factories have been closed down.

"It's definitely our ideal home."

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